Sonic Inadequacy
by Headwater Daddy
Summary: The Sonic gang and Eggman are brought to a tropical island under unprecedented circumstances.  With two European factions constantly causing mayhem, Sonic and Eggman are going to have to figure out how to cope with these guys without causing conflict. R
1. A Chaotic Beginning To Even More Chaos

Sonic Inadequacy

By Headwater Daddy

Hello, my crooked compadres! You may remember my minor, yet flabbergasting appearance in Sonic Insanity by Mecha Scorpion, who is a good friend of mine. I also sent numerous reviews to his stories under absurd names such as "chimp knob" and "millions of peaches". He helped write bits and pieces of this chapter.

Anyway, read and review and enjoy!

Chapter 1

A Chaotic Beginning To Even More Chaos

"YEAH, I WON DAMMIT" hollered Tails as he threw the controller to the ground and screeched with delight. Everyone covered their ears tightly.

"Wow Tails, you won. We're all really impressed and we want your autograph." mumbled Knuckles, who was playing Gears of War with Tails, Sonic, and Shadow.

"Shut up, mama's boy! Go suck your girl on the face or something!" retorted Tails. Knuckles was extremely offended and restrained himself immensely from annihilating him. Everyone was quiet.

"YOU LITTLE VERMI-" Knuckles started, but was cut off by Cream.

"Tails, if you don't stop swearing, your X-Box is going to have to be destroyed, as well as our relationship and cat that you adore so much." instructed Cream, ever so sweetly.

"Man, you just got served! BY A LADY!" snickered Shadow while nudging Tails in the ribs. Tails' body because rigidly stiff and tears began spilling out of his eyes.

"LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!" he whined, running out the door. Everyone followed.

"Man, you're a pugnacious little fella today, aren't ya!" said Sonic very angrily. Everyone stared at Sonic and laughed. "WHAT! IT'S TRUE!"

"You filthy hypocrite!" shouted Tails, trying to show his small guns. "Who do you think you are, calling me a little pugnacious fella? I could say the same thing about you!" Tails dove at Sonic and the two had a horrific bash at each other.

"Tails, what did I just say?" said Cream, trying to look stern. Tails just mumbled something against it and kept fighting. "He'll never learn!" she sighed. Suddenly, Tails stopped fighting and Sonic looked confused as to why.

"I got a confession to make…" he began. Sonic sighed. "Man, I fooled you guys SO good today!" said Tails, grinning very condescendingly. "I was just swearing to make you guys mad! I actually hate it, so I won't do it! I got you guys good! You should've seen the looks on all your faces!" Everyone was silent. It was true; the look on Sonic's face was rage, and the same with Knuckles, Shadow, Cream, Amy, and Rouge. Sonic blabbered out something about Tails being stupid, but that couldn't be heard over the explosion that just occurred.

"WHAT!" everyone screamed. Sonic's house burned to the ground, and everything was destroyed. Sonic was devastated. An awkward silence filled the area.

"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!" roared Sonic with fury and sorrow.

"We could all go to my house!" suggested Shadow. A comical expression formed across everyone's face. Suddenly, everyone burst into laughter around Shadow.

"We…ho ho ho…go…to your…HOUSE!" shouted Sonic hysterically. "That's a good one...HAHAHAHAHA!" Shadow was appalled by such inanity.

"WHY ARE YOU GUYS LAUGHING!" roared Shadow, trying to overcome the immense amount of laughter directed at him. The laughter did not tone down one bit. "FINE! BE THAT WAY!" Shadow ran over to Sonic and attempted to kick Sonic, but Sonic rolled out the way while laughing and Shadow went flying and crashed into a mailbox. Shadow got up and dusted himself off and cursed to himself. Suddenly, Shadow had an idea. Shadow picked up the metal mailbox and hurled it at Sonic. It struck him right in the face, knocking him off his feet.

"OW! WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR!" he growled at Shadow with contempt. Sonic bent down and picked his mail. "And now you've spilled my mail! Nice going Shadow!" Sonic, obviously nettled by Shadow's uncalled for behavior, immediately recognized the writing on the envelope. "EGGMAN!" he shouted. Sonic laughed as he wondered what Eggman's next plan was.

_Dear Sonic and Company,_

_You and your friends have all been selected to live in a mansion on the tropical island of Utopia, the most tropical place on the planet! You can run, jump, spin, jump, climb the stairs, jump, and eat cantaloupe! The largest mansion you ever seen is now yours! Go there ASAP!_

_Signed,_

_Eggman_

Sonic was humored by such lunacy. "Alright guys, were going there!" declared Sonic. Everyone was in agreement, everyone except Knuckles.

"Hold on, guys!" Knuckles chirped rampantly. "This could be a set-up! See how it says it's from Eggman! Eggman's ravenous to destroy us! This mansion doesn't have any of those 'spectacular' features that you think it does!" Everybody stared at Knuckles, surprised that he wouldn't want to go 'the da tropics'.

"If you go, I'll give you a nice time on the first night!" sneered Rouge ecstatically, batting her eyelashes. Get it? Rouge the _bat _was _bat_ting her eyelashes? Juxtaposition!

"_SIR YES SIR!" _screamed Knuckles, snapping to attention.

Meanwhile, Eggman was huffing and puffing, trying to blow down the doors that his guards held down. The doors were nailed shut and padlocked to keep Eggman from accessing the food within.

"I can't do it!" shrieked a very thin Eggman boisterously. "I can't blow no more!"

"Your mom didn't have that difficulty last night!" bellowed a loudspeaker. "Also, we got a message for you."

"Put it on the screen!" commanded Eggman imperiously. The message appeared on a screen, very unpredictably. It read:

_Dear Eggman,_

_You have been selected to live in the Luxurious mansion on the tropical island of Utopia, the most tropical place on earth! There is sleeping, cooking, leering, carrying, and best of all, eating! Come down to this island ASAP_

_Signed,_

_Sonic & Company_

"I didn't know Sonic owned a company!" said Eggman, astonished. "Anyway, this mansion sounds very inviting. Who can resist an all-you-can-leer buffet?" he wondered aloud. Suddenly, the doors barricading him from the cafeteria were extinguished.

"I'M FREE!" the thin man exclaimed, and inhaled deeply. The force of this inhalation sucked all the food out of the cafeteria and into his famished embrace. His meaty jowls shook with contentment and contempt.

"Right back where I started!" he said, eying his corpulent abs. "Now to get to that tropical island!"

"Sir," said Metal Sonic, "I have one point to make before we leave. Is it really a good idea to follow a letter written by your arch enemy?" Eggman choked haphazardly on the ten-foot long sub in his mouth. And it was not a submarine sandwich, but a substitute teacher. Like a "sub." Get it? Oh…

"WHAT! I KNOW MY ENEMY! I CAN MASH HIM WITH A PAPER AIRPLANE IF I CHOOSE TO!" pleaded Eggman, his face a mottled puce.

"Sir, you have lost every single time you tried to confront him," proposed Metal Sonic.

"BALDERDASH! There were no witnesses! Who's got the brains here, me or you?"

"…"

"SHUT UP!" snarled Eggman furiously. "I'm a little behind schedule here, I need to get to that island ASAP!" Eggman devoured a jar of cucumbers, saving the cucumbers for later. "Now to reach the island!"

"SIR YES MA'AM!" hollered Eggman's army, which consisted of frogs, razors, weasels, ticks, and shifty-eyed dogs.

"I wasn't talking to you lot," said Eggman condescendingly. "I was talking to myself."

He got into his car and drove all the way to the port, where he hijacked the Titanic. Due to his weight, it sunk, and he was forced to commandeer a lifeboat, which sunk twice on the way. Finally he had to swim the last mile to the island, avoiding sharks and malicious crustaceans. After getting into all sorts of parasitic shenanigans, he hauled himself painstakingly up the beach, to see Sonic and Company sitting recumbently in the shade of a palm tree.

"Pass the tropical fruit beverages, Rouge!" yelled Shadow, who was sitting on top of the palm tree. "My body ain't gonna moisten itself, you know!"

"I'll give you hydrolysis, you pesky Pinocchio!" rambled Eggman, aiming a water cannon at the gang. Eggman soon realized that he was ten feet from shore and his boat wasn't moving anywhere because the water was too shallow.

"Eggman?" asked Sonic in confusion. Eggman trotted onto the beach. He was soaked, fat, and horrendously discombobulated. "So have you finally come to host our little gathering?"

"What? I thought you were hosting this affair!" questioned Eggman

"I'm hosting this affair," said a Russian-accented voice, and one of the oddest men they had ever seen abruptly jumped out of the undergrowth, smiling mischievously.

How's this first chapter o' mine? Mind-blowing? Heart-pounding? Life-saving? You choose! And you are not limited to these responses. Even if you don't have an account, you can review, I just can't respond to you unless you give me your e-mail address.

Read and review, my swindled trumpets!


	2. A New Conflict Arises

The French Man With A Russian Accent

By Headwater Daddy

I'm finally home from three weeks in Adirondacks, so I'm going to try to get into a more regular writing pattern. Sorry for the long wait. Anyway, here's chapter two. Read and review, please!

And don't take offense at anything offensive in here, I don't actually mean anything offensive written in this story. This is pure fiction.

Chapter 2

A New Conflict Arises

Sonic and Eggman turned around to see a shady-looking man, with a mustache that twitched in the sunlight. He very much resembled a stork. He walked very casually, with a cane and a top hat. He was grinning slyly at everyone, and by the sheer looks on their faces, Sonic and Eggman were absolutely terrified.

"Allow me to introduce myself!" began the man. "My name is Pierre Valivov, and _I _am the one hosting this event! You will all be staying in my luxurious mansion, the best in all of the area!"

"It seems it's also the _only _one in the area…" mumbled Tails unenthusiastically. Pierre turned and looked at him scornfully.

"And you were saying?" asked Pierre. Tails, full of contempt for Pierre's condescending manner, said,

"WHAT!"

"Let me ask you a question!" spat Pierre vigorously, and he laughed boisterously and said nothing. Tails looked highly perplexed.

"What's the question?" questioned Knuckles, who was counting the number of Cubans in his glove compartment. Pierre turned his attention to Knuckles' glove compartment just as he slipped the Cubans back in it.

"I'll be the one asking questions here!" said Pierre firmly. "So, what do we have here?" he said as he started rummaging through Knuckles' so-called "glove compartments". "AHAH!" he hollered triumphantly. "This delirious mother knuckle's been smoking cigars. And they're CUBAN!" Pierre looked furious. "THOSE DAMN CUBANS! What do you have to say for yourself boy!" everyone was silent, eyes fixed on Knuckles.

"I…uh…I was going to try and burn incense with the cigars!" said Knuckles very cautiously, so Pierre would not burst into a rage.

"Very well then. But I'll have you know that if you ever try and smuggle anything like that over here again, I'll be so 'incensed' that you'll be looking dilapidated in no time!" Pierre's menacing eyes turned to Tails, who was in a fit of laugher. "What are you laughing at, fox boy?"

"Uh… I was commenting on your genuine Russian accent, and the fact that you look more like a French person than a Russian person!" Everyone stared at Tails in awe, perplexed at his obscure comment.

"Yeah! He has a point!" objected Shadow. "You can't be French and have a Russian accent! That's downright inconceivable!" Shadow suddenly regretted even speaking as Pierre pulled a gun out of his pocket.

"HEY! I make the rules around here, and I say it's conceivable! You don't like it, then you can make like a tree and LEAVE! L, E, A, uh, V, E!" With that, Pierre walked to the mansion. "Yeah, you guys better get in the house, or else the storm will, um, get you!" Everyone stared at him. "What? GET IN THE DAMN HOUSE OR I'LL PUNT YOUR BELONGINGS IN THE WATER!" Everyone darted for their bags, but due to Eggman's immense obesity, he could not make it in time.

Pierre picked up Eggman's jumbo suitcase, which he immediately dropped it due to its weight. A large number of cries was heard as he dropped it. "What kind of toaster oven is this?" questioned Pierre, opening the suitcase.

"NO! I WILL _NOT _STAND FOR THIS!" shouted Eggman as he sat back down in a lawn chair and relaxed while slurping on a tropical Sunday dinner. Suddenly, Eggman found himself nearly choking on his submerged steak as he saw Pierre pulling cats out from the suitcase.

"What kind of toaster oven is this? A cat-torturing toaster oven?" Pierre shook his head shamefully. "You naughty little man!"

"HOW DID THOSE GET IN THERE!" shouted Eggman, walking toward Pierre domineeringly. Pierre shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know. It wasn't me, hehehe…!" Pierre smiled sinisterly. Eggman was enraged.

"IF THOSE CATS ARE IN THERE, WHERE'S MY CLOTHES!" he screamed as Pierre pointed toward a raft in the ocean. Sure enough, Eggman's clothes were messily laid out on the raft, which was out quite a distance from shore. Eggman stared at the raft, immensely aghast.

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" hollered Eggman, trying to think of a plan.

"You should have said that _before _your clothes…err…accidentally got on to that raft, somehow!" said Pierre, taking out his cell phone. He pushed a button and a huge bolt of lightning struck the lightning rod that popped out of the raft. It sunk like a rock, to Eggman's horror.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed in agony, as rain began pouring on them, along with large gusts of wind.

"Oops, I must have accidentally pressed the hurricane button. Silly me!" sneered Pierre, putting his cell phone away and taking out a remote control. As Pierre began using it, the hurricane began maneuvering in the direction the remote control pointed in. By now, Eggman and Pierre were both drenched in water. Suddenly, multiple cat cries were heard coming from Eggman's open suitcase.

"Oh, hell!" cried Eggman, flailing his arms in the air. In the process, Eggman hit Pierre's hand, knocking the remote out of his hands.

"You simpleton!" smirked Pierre. "You've decimated my strategy, you cat swindler!" With that, Pierre Valivov swaggered towards the mansion. Eggman was infuriated and dumbfounded by Pierre's arrogant, savage-like behavior.

"GET BACK HERE YOU IMPUDENT RASCAL!" screamed Eggman at the top of his lungs, slipping a dictionary in his pocket and frantically searching for a way to deactivate the remote-controlled hurricane. Pierre looked back at Eggman.

"Where did you learn all those words, the dictionary?" questioned Pierre, laughing raucously at Eggman's stupidity.

"I'M GOING TO EFFING KILL YOU WHEN I GET THE CHANCE, YOU FILTHY FOREIGNER!" hollered Eggman, running full-throttle at Pierre. Pierre suddenly felt a bolt of racial and ethnic pride surge through his body as a bolt of lightning whizzed right past his quadriceps femoris muscle.

"You Americans speak such nonsense!" said Pierre in French, slurring the words with an authentic Russian accent. Eggman was baffled by the incomprehensible gobbledygook spewing from Pierre's mouth. He covered his ears out of irritation.

"TOO MANY FOREIGNERS! I'M A MINORITY IN MY OWN COUNTRY!" howled Eggman, rubbing the rain off his face. "FRANCE, RUSSIA, WHAT'S NEXT? MEXICO?" Pierre was unprepared for such a verbal assault from the imbecile of the group. Suddenly, a flash of lightning struck the surrounding ocean and destroyed the remote for the hurricane. The hurricane immediately halted and fell into the water and sunk, creating a mediocre splash in the water.

"Stupid counterfeit hurricanes…" mumbled Pierre, sounding irritated. "I'm going in!" and with that, he trotted towards the gargantuan mansion.

"HEY! WHAT ABOUT THOSE CATS!" shrieked Eggman, pointing to a bunch of cats that were soaked and frantically trying to find a spot to dry themselves off. "AND WHAT ABOUT MY CLOTHES!!!" he yelled, alerting the other guys in the house. Pierre smirked sinisterly.

"Bah, those cats are obsolete! I'll just have to get some new ones!" he picked up one of the cats and punted it into the lake. With a loud cry, it was gone. Pierre cackled evilly. Eggman was enraged by Pierre's immoral decision. "Ah, yes. Your clothes. Hmm…AHA! I remember now!" Pierre, for some reason, reached into his pocket and pulled out a bouncy ball, which he threw into the water. Eggman was very confused.

"What was the purpose of that?" Eggman wondered. Pierre just grinned menacingly, which caused Eggman to shiver with fear.

"Your clothes are down there!" he pointed to the ball, which settled a couple hundred yards from shore. Eggman gaped with astonishment, even though he already knew his clothes were there.

"YOU DELIRIOUS DOPPELGANGER!" shouted Eggman. Pierre chuckled with amusement.

"And that's exactly what you'll find surrounding your clothes!" Eggman was befuddled by Pierre's last remark.

"HMP! I don't know what to make of that!" huffed Eggman, annoyed and tired.

"Well, you'll find out soon, hmm?"

"HEY! What's going on!" shouted Sonic, running outside, along with everyone else. Eggman angrily pointed a finger at Pierre, who smiled gleefully.

"THIS MAN CLAIMS HE PUT DOPPELGANGERS OF HIMSELF AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE, SURROUNDING MY BELOVED CLOTHES!" Eggman barely managed to speak those words before he cried.

"Is this true?" questioned Sonic, looking extremely perplexed. Pierre cleared his throat extravagantly and said,

"If I was in court I would not be acquitted for such balderdash!" he snapped, kicking up sand into Sonic's face. Pierre began searching his pocket for something.

"What are going to do next?" snarled Eggman, cautiously awaiting Pierre's next scheme. 

"A TREASURE MAP!" exclaimed Tails, abruptly leaping for it.

TO BE CONTINUED

Sorry it took so long. I've been very busy lately and have been procrastinating about writing this story. Read and review.


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